I am having the worst time today. I mean, who am I kidding if I say today was the only day I have felt like I am having the worst time, but yeah. Today sucks. All weekends suck. They remind me that I will never get to sleep in for the next nine months. I will never have someone say "hey, you look like you could use a break...let me watch the kids for 24 hours." I will never have my husband come home and notice how burnt out I am, and cook dinner, take care of the kids, and then cuddle me when the house is clean and quiet. Hell, I don't even have a house. I don't get to run my house the way I want because I don't have a house.
I keep trying to find a balance in talking to him. I try to always be upbeat and positive but then that feels like I'm lying to him and he can't know how I'm really feeling if I'm always lying. So I try to be honest, but then I spend all my time complaining and well, what's the point in that because there isn't a fucking thing he can do about any of my issues. I am just stuck here. I am stuck in this situation that sucks. I am pissed because there isn't a damn thing I can do about it, and for a year, my marriage is just two people grasping at threads to try and pretend like we are still close. I don't feel close to him. I feel like my life and his life are two totally separate things and no amount of "how was your day"'s can change that.
I am so pissed that it has to be this way. I am pissed that I can't handle it better. I am pissed that no matter what, I always find myself right back in this dark place of hating everything about my life. I am pissed that I can't talk to him about it. He is my best friend, and I can't talk to him about what I'm feeling or struggling with or anything. I am stuck without a house, without a best friend, without a husband, without a father for my kids, without a supporter for me...I am just stuck without all the things that matter most and you know what, it just sucks.
God I need a break. But I have a feeling that even with a break I'd still feel this way. I'd still hit burn out within the first twelve hours of being back. Why am I so weak? Why can't I beat this and come out stronger? Why am I such a failure and a sucky army wife? I love the army and wouldn't ever want to do anything else, so why is it that the one thing most common to army life kicks my ass and leaves me for dead?
God I just miss him. I want him back. Nothing else helps. I just want my husband back.