The sun rise this morning was the most perfect one I've seen in years. The birds were singing. Everyone else was going to work, getting a cup of coffee, or sleeping in. But my day is not so ordinary, or beautiful. He asks me if I'm okay. "yes" What choice do I have? I have to be okay. I'm out of time to not be okay. I'm out of time to fix anything.
We have been fighting so much lately. We keep butting heads, and growing more and more apart. I don't know how to tell the difference in what is a real issue, and what is related to this. Last night was a doozy. But we are out of time. We can't fight about it anymore. It is time for me to figure out a way to be more self reliant and stop being so dependent.
All I have ever known in my adult life is us. I have never had to be just me...and the thought of it, scares the hell out of me. If I'm being completely honest, I think I'm afraid that when I focus on me, I won't like what I find. Or I won't be good enough...able enough. I don't think I'll be able to have what it takes to sustain myself...to make myself happy. To find meaning in every day things when they are just for me...not for us. To make memories that he isn't a part of. I hate the thought of that. Having a year's worth of memories built up that he isn't in...that he won't remember or be able to talk about with me.
So now that he is gone, and I am alone, my heart is most heavy because I'm not sure where we are going from here. I mean, I know we are both dedicated to staying together no matter what...fighting it out every time. I just don't know how we are going to get better at this. How we can stop fighting and hurting each other instead of building each other up. I want so badly to feel understood, and to feel confident in my ability to be what makes him happy. I know that marriage is never easy, and is always work, I just wish the growing pains didn't cut so deep.
Today's challenge, just make it through the day so I can get some sleep. Three and a half hours is gonna run out real quick. I'll think about tomorrow, tomorrow.
Monday, May 16, 2011
Sunday, May 15, 2011
Another step closer
Today the kids and I are sitting in a hotel room waiting for Chris to get back from drill so we can spend our last afternoon together before he leaves for his first leg of pre-deployment training in NJ. They have no idea that when we say "we are going home tomorrow" we don't mean all of us. They have no idea that the next time "Daddy has to go to work" it will be for nearly a month. They have no idea how long a month is...how do I explain it to them? How do I explain to two toddlers that Daddy is going to be at work for that long? How do I keep their relationship with him alive when he isn't there to play with them?
This being our first deployment, I am so lost on how to handle all the emotions and feelings I am trying to deal with. I can't tell the difference between regular stress, regular arguments, and deployment related stuff. When I suddenly can't seem to pick up heart up off the floor for no real reason, is it because I am just being an emotional baby about something he said, or is it because I know he is about to be gone and every tiny thing feels like a giant bolder being dropped in my fragile heart? How do I express the fact that I feel like I am losing him, but at the same time, can't wait for him to just be gone already?
I mean, I have been sitting around trying to adjust to the idea of him being gone for nearly a year, and haven't been able to just have it happen! It is like when you were a kid and you got caught doing something you shouldn't. Your parents would say "Go to your room, I'll deal with you later." That hour or hours you spend in your room waiting for the inevitable punishment feels like years. You imagine the worst, stress about how it is going to ruin your life, and wish with everything you have, that they would just come and give you your sentence so you can deal with it! This waiting period feels a lot like that. I was told I would be losing him this year. Then I had to wait for months...imagining the worst, trying to figure out how I would handle the change...feeling like it was just too huge for me to handle. I guess I just feel like I need to have it come so I can adjust and deal with it already. It is time to be done not knowing what is coming and how I will handle it.
The biggest problem is trying to keep myself here with him while he is still here. I am trying to still be connected to him and not make him feel like I am kicking him out the door, but still work on distancing myself enough so that when he does leave, I'm not left standing there with my heart not having any idea how to take care of it without him. It is the hardest balancing act I have ever tried to do.
I feel guilty for wishing he would leave. I feel sad that I am having so much trouble connecting when we have so little time left together. I feel angry with myself for not knowing how to handle this better. I feel lost on how to help my kids get through this. I feel in over my head in knowing how to have a relationship with a soldier who is so far away and more than anything just needs my support, but I don't know how to give without wanting it all in return. I feel afraid of what it will do to us if I don't get it together sooner rather than later. I feel sad that we have to go through this at all, but I also feel proud to be able to serve my country and to have a cause that means so much.
It is a roller coaster. I wish I had someone to help me understand it and make sense of all the emotions I can't just file neatly away where they should be so I can manage them all the way I would my home. I hate things not being in order. I hate having lose ends I can't neaten up.
I guess it is time for me to spend some time out of my comfort zone. I could use some growing...I just wish it didn't have to hurt so much.
This being our first deployment, I am so lost on how to handle all the emotions and feelings I am trying to deal with. I can't tell the difference between regular stress, regular arguments, and deployment related stuff. When I suddenly can't seem to pick up heart up off the floor for no real reason, is it because I am just being an emotional baby about something he said, or is it because I know he is about to be gone and every tiny thing feels like a giant bolder being dropped in my fragile heart? How do I express the fact that I feel like I am losing him, but at the same time, can't wait for him to just be gone already?
I mean, I have been sitting around trying to adjust to the idea of him being gone for nearly a year, and haven't been able to just have it happen! It is like when you were a kid and you got caught doing something you shouldn't. Your parents would say "Go to your room, I'll deal with you later." That hour or hours you spend in your room waiting for the inevitable punishment feels like years. You imagine the worst, stress about how it is going to ruin your life, and wish with everything you have, that they would just come and give you your sentence so you can deal with it! This waiting period feels a lot like that. I was told I would be losing him this year. Then I had to wait for months...imagining the worst, trying to figure out how I would handle the change...feeling like it was just too huge for me to handle. I guess I just feel like I need to have it come so I can adjust and deal with it already. It is time to be done not knowing what is coming and how I will handle it.
The biggest problem is trying to keep myself here with him while he is still here. I am trying to still be connected to him and not make him feel like I am kicking him out the door, but still work on distancing myself enough so that when he does leave, I'm not left standing there with my heart not having any idea how to take care of it without him. It is the hardest balancing act I have ever tried to do.
I feel guilty for wishing he would leave. I feel sad that I am having so much trouble connecting when we have so little time left together. I feel angry with myself for not knowing how to handle this better. I feel lost on how to help my kids get through this. I feel in over my head in knowing how to have a relationship with a soldier who is so far away and more than anything just needs my support, but I don't know how to give without wanting it all in return. I feel afraid of what it will do to us if I don't get it together sooner rather than later. I feel sad that we have to go through this at all, but I also feel proud to be able to serve my country and to have a cause that means so much.
It is a roller coaster. I wish I had someone to help me understand it and make sense of all the emotions I can't just file neatly away where they should be so I can manage them all the way I would my home. I hate things not being in order. I hate having lose ends I can't neaten up.
I guess it is time for me to spend some time out of my comfort zone. I could use some growing...I just wish it didn't have to hurt so much.
Sunday, January 23, 2011
The day was August 15th, 2010. It was Chris' birthday, and we had spent it with his reserve unit for their annual family day. We were just getting home, unloading our tired one and two year olds, when he received a phone call that told him it was coming. In that one phone call everything we were planning, everything we thought we would be doing in the coming year flew out the window. No more would we be looking into buy a house together. Having our next baby just got a whole lot more complicated. All security I had felt just seemed to have disappeared.
In the coming weeks, we would learn exactly how much time we were going to be spending apart. A little over a year when it was all said and done. That meant that he would miss just about every special event in our babies lives for a whole year. No birthdays, no Christmas, no Halloween. Everything I had to work through hit me like a ton of bricks, and I had never felt more alone or more out of my comfort zone before. It seemed to me like there wasn't a person I could go to with all my thoughts and concerns. Chris is such a level minded person that his response is always a controlled "everything will be fine, dear".
I am still fighting my fears on a daily basis. There is not a moment that goes by that I don't think about his pending departure. I guess that was the worst part...we found out with so much extra time that the waiting has become the hardest! The smallest things can trigger that pang of fear and hurt. It can be him watching our kids play, knowing that he won't be able to watch them grow for a whole year. They will be totally different people by then. Or kissing our baby girl telling her how beautiful she is...she will not having her Daddy there to tell her she is his princess for a year. Or taking our son out to play catch. He is his Daddy's biggest fan and will not be happy when he just disappears for so long.
So I suppose the hardest thing I am dealing with right now is simply fighting all the thoughts that enter my mind every single day. The thoughts of fears, and disappointments, and seeing all the negative of him being gone for so long, not to mention that he will be in harms way the whole time. It is truly a battle to remember that my most important job is to support him in this new challenge he is being faced with and to show my kids that everything can still be okay.
Lord, give me your grace to make it through this.
In the coming weeks, we would learn exactly how much time we were going to be spending apart. A little over a year when it was all said and done. That meant that he would miss just about every special event in our babies lives for a whole year. No birthdays, no Christmas, no Halloween. Everything I had to work through hit me like a ton of bricks, and I had never felt more alone or more out of my comfort zone before. It seemed to me like there wasn't a person I could go to with all my thoughts and concerns. Chris is such a level minded person that his response is always a controlled "everything will be fine, dear".
I am still fighting my fears on a daily basis. There is not a moment that goes by that I don't think about his pending departure. I guess that was the worst part...we found out with so much extra time that the waiting has become the hardest! The smallest things can trigger that pang of fear and hurt. It can be him watching our kids play, knowing that he won't be able to watch them grow for a whole year. They will be totally different people by then. Or kissing our baby girl telling her how beautiful she is...she will not having her Daddy there to tell her she is his princess for a year. Or taking our son out to play catch. He is his Daddy's biggest fan and will not be happy when he just disappears for so long.
So I suppose the hardest thing I am dealing with right now is simply fighting all the thoughts that enter my mind every single day. The thoughts of fears, and disappointments, and seeing all the negative of him being gone for so long, not to mention that he will be in harms way the whole time. It is truly a battle to remember that my most important job is to support him in this new challenge he is being faced with and to show my kids that everything can still be okay.
Lord, give me your grace to make it through this.
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