Thursday, August 25, 2011

How am I today?

So today it has been about three and a half weeks since I last saw him.  I am doing okay I guess.  I realized that in just a few days more I will be able to take one month off of the twelve month mark, which feels pretty good.  Even though they are supposed to be there nine months, I am going with the longest possibility just so if it turns out to be shorter, it will be a nice surprise.  So we are almost to eleven more months.

I guess where I am right now is that I still miss him every second of every day.  The biggest thing is with the kids.  It has been long enough now that his absence in their lives is very visible.  While everywhere I go and everything I do reminds me of him and I wish he was there, the pain of him not being there is getting easier to take.  He is still always there in my thoughts, but it doesn't make me want to cry every time it happens anymore.  So I guess that is a good step.

I still am struggling with not knowing anything about our future at this point.  Not knowing when he'll be back, where he is going to go when he does get back, how much time I'll have with him, if he'll leave me shortly after getting back for something new.  That is really hard.  I guess I could deal with not knowing some stuff, but not even knowing what kind of job he'll have when he gets home is really hard on me for some reason.  But I guess with time, that too will get easier to take.

I am so struggling with my living situation.  I mean, in some respects, it is good for me to be here.  They need me here.  I just struggle with it.  I miss having my own space that I can manage how I want and having privacy and all that sort of stuff.  But I guess for the time being, this is where God wants me, so I really am trying to be more accepting of His will for me.

I guess my biggest issue as of right now is that even though we are talking most every day, sometimes twice a day, I still feel like we don't really talk as much as I would like.  I guess the part of him I miss most is the little things he would do to make me feel special and show me his love.  I still have yet to receive any sort of mail from him.  I hate knowing that it is going to be a year before I get to enjoy one of his little surprises he loves planning so much.  It always kept life exciting, and I really miss that stuff.  Even if it was just a random pen he thought I would like from work, I miss that part of our relationship.

I feel like the kids are running me ragged these days.  I really miss having Chris' help with them.  All the diapers, all the fights, all the self-inflicted boo boos, all the all falls on me and it is wearing me out!  I just miss having my partner.  Someone to help me and take the load off of my shoulders now and again.  Or at the very least, someone to hug me at the end of the day...even if he didn't understand the kind of day I had, at least he was there for me to soak up some love from.  I miss that.

But I guess other than that, I am surviving.  I am doing this...sometimes one day, or even one moment at a time, but I am doing it.  Maybe I am stronger than I give myself credit for...