Sunday, September 18, 2011


I am having the worst time today.  I mean, who am I kidding if I say today was the only day I have felt like I am having the worst time, but yeah.  Today sucks.  All weekends suck.  They remind me that I will never get to sleep in for the next nine months.  I will never have someone say "hey, you look like you could use a break...let me watch the kids for 24 hours."  I will never have my husband come home and notice how burnt out I am, and cook dinner, take care of the kids, and then cuddle me when the house is clean and quiet.  Hell, I don't even have a house.  I don't get to run my house the way I want because I don't have a house.

I keep trying to find a balance in talking to him.  I try to always be upbeat and positive but then that feels like I'm lying to him and he can't know how I'm really feeling if I'm always lying.  So I try to be honest, but then I spend all my time complaining and well, what's the point in that because there isn't a fucking thing he can do about any of my issues.  I am just stuck here.  I am stuck in this situation that sucks.  I am pissed because there isn't a damn thing I can do about it, and for a year, my marriage is just two people grasping at threads to try and pretend like we are still close.  I don't feel close to him.  I feel like my life and his life are two totally separate things and no amount of "how was your day"'s can change that.

I am so pissed that it has to be this way.  I am pissed that I can't handle it better.  I am pissed that no matter what, I always find myself right back in this dark place of hating everything about my life.  I am pissed that I can't talk to him about it.  He is my best friend, and I can't talk to him about what I'm feeling or struggling with or anything.  I am stuck without a house, without a best friend, without a husband, without a father for my kids, without a supporter for me...I am just stuck without all the things that matter most and you know what, it just sucks.

God I need a break.  But I have a feeling that even with a break I'd still feel this way.  I'd still hit burn out within the first twelve hours of being back.  Why am I so weak?  Why can't I beat this and come out stronger?  Why am I such a failure and a sucky army wife?  I love the army and wouldn't ever want to do anything else, so why is it that the one thing most common to army life kicks my ass and leaves me for dead?

God I just miss him.  I want him back.  Nothing else helps.  I just want my husband back.

Thursday, August 25, 2011

How am I today?

So today it has been about three and a half weeks since I last saw him.  I am doing okay I guess.  I realized that in just a few days more I will be able to take one month off of the twelve month mark, which feels pretty good.  Even though they are supposed to be there nine months, I am going with the longest possibility just so if it turns out to be shorter, it will be a nice surprise.  So we are almost to eleven more months.

I guess where I am right now is that I still miss him every second of every day.  The biggest thing is with the kids.  It has been long enough now that his absence in their lives is very visible.  While everywhere I go and everything I do reminds me of him and I wish he was there, the pain of him not being there is getting easier to take.  He is still always there in my thoughts, but it doesn't make me want to cry every time it happens anymore.  So I guess that is a good step.

I still am struggling with not knowing anything about our future at this point.  Not knowing when he'll be back, where he is going to go when he does get back, how much time I'll have with him, if he'll leave me shortly after getting back for something new.  That is really hard.  I guess I could deal with not knowing some stuff, but not even knowing what kind of job he'll have when he gets home is really hard on me for some reason.  But I guess with time, that too will get easier to take.

I am so struggling with my living situation.  I mean, in some respects, it is good for me to be here.  They need me here.  I just struggle with it.  I miss having my own space that I can manage how I want and having privacy and all that sort of stuff.  But I guess for the time being, this is where God wants me, so I really am trying to be more accepting of His will for me.

I guess my biggest issue as of right now is that even though we are talking most every day, sometimes twice a day, I still feel like we don't really talk as much as I would like.  I guess the part of him I miss most is the little things he would do to make me feel special and show me his love.  I still have yet to receive any sort of mail from him.  I hate knowing that it is going to be a year before I get to enjoy one of his little surprises he loves planning so much.  It always kept life exciting, and I really miss that stuff.  Even if it was just a random pen he thought I would like from work, I miss that part of our relationship.

I feel like the kids are running me ragged these days.  I really miss having Chris' help with them.  All the diapers, all the fights, all the self-inflicted boo boos, all the all falls on me and it is wearing me out!  I just miss having my partner.  Someone to help me and take the load off of my shoulders now and again.  Or at the very least, someone to hug me at the end of the day...even if he didn't understand the kind of day I had, at least he was there for me to soak up some love from.  I miss that.

But I guess other than that, I am surviving.  I am doing this...sometimes one day, or even one moment at a time, but I am doing it.  Maybe I am stronger than I give myself credit for...

Wednesday, July 13, 2011


So in all my reading on to prepare, how to survive, etc, I have read a lot about how there are deployment phases everyone goes through.  Pre-deployment, deployment, return etc.  Each phase has a set of emotions that goes with it that are "normal" and to be expected from everyone.  Okay, sounds reasonable enough.  I'd just like to take a moment to discuss what phase I am in right now to get it off my chest if I may.

Right now, I am pissed.  Really, that is the best way to describe it.  Aside from the fact that we haven't actually gotten into a routine of any kind because of my recent surgery and then the kids and I will be traveling for a week + to go visit Chris next week, which is bugging the crap out of me, (the not having been able to settle yet, NOT the getting to see him again part) when it comes to where I am in the separation and how I'm feeling about it, I'm just really pissed.

I am pissed off by the smallest stupidest things, as well as some larger ones that I maybe feel somewhat justified in being pissed at.

The small things are things like, did I enjoy my day...well, it had some enjoyable moments in it, but you weren't there for any of it and you won't be home tonight, so no, it wasn't so good.  And that pisses me off.  I feel so annoyed with the fact that the person I planned to share my life with is gone and in his place, I am right back where I started, in my parents basement!  Not only do I feel like I am not moving forward with my life the way we had always planned, I feel like I am taking a step backwards!

Don't get me wrong, the fact that my family is here to support me and help with my kids is an enormous blessing, really, it is huge.  But it just really makes me so angry when I think about all the things that I should be doing with my husband, but instead am doing them alone or with someone else.

It pisses me off to think about all the memories I will be making without him in them.  Like, we used to argue about certain movies and whether we had seen them together or not.  It was a big deal if one of us watched a movie we wanted to see without the other one.  Now, I have an entire year of watching movies without him.  There will be a whole year of movies that he not only will not have seen but may not have even heard about!

We have never been the best conversationalists, we didn't talk all that much.  But at least even if we weren't talking, we could be in the same room, connecting on SOME level.  Now, we still don't talk much, but there is nothing there to connect us.  That makes me so crazy.  It makes me pissed to think of all the time we are losing as a couple.  We should be together.  We should be making memories.  He should be in our family pictures as we do things and go places.  But he won't be.  For a year, there will be no pictures of him in our folders.

That really bugs me.  The pictures thing.  Not having new pictures now and again just makes me feel like the person is so far away.  One of the things that hurts most about Mom.  No new pictures.  Every time I go back to look at pictures of her, it just feel further and further away as I see how young everyone was.  Now it will be that way with Chris for a year.  No pictures of him with the kids.  They will be completely different people by the time he gets to take a picture with them.  Not that he really cares about that, but man does it hit me in a hard place.

I so want to be able to enjoy life.  I want to have a life full of joy and memories just like any other year would be, but I can't seem to escape this weight of pain I have in my chest.  Sometimes I feel like I will find the strength to overcome and take it on, but mostly I just am mad that I have to.  If I'm being totally honest.  Which I am.

God I hope this year does good things for our relationship, and for me personally.  I am terrified of the possibilities though.  I hate being a pessimist.  I used to call myself a realist, but lets just cut to the chase, I can't help but navigate to the worst case possibility.  And a year of being apart is a lot of time spent trusting someone completely.  I am literally putting my heart in a box and sending it across the world hoping that it doesn't get betrayed, neglected, crushed, or completely shattered.  All are very real possibilities.

Not that I don't trust him.  I do.  With all my heart.  I trust that he loves me more than he ever has before and is in a better place than ever before as a person, and so as far as that goes, we are good.  I just don't trust easily.  If I can't see it, it is extremely hard for me to believe it.  It takes all I have to trust a person.  Especially the person holding my heart.

So I guess the bottom line is this.  I have yet to go into survival mode yet.  I am still stuck in the anger/resentment phase.  And it sucks.  Bad.  I hate feeling angry.  But I am doing my best to trust that this too will pass, and a new phase will come, and with it, a new ability to see life more clearly.

In the mean time, I miss him.

Tuesday, July 5, 2011

Warning, this post contains a lot of negativity. Continue at your own discretion.

So I haven't been able to have a real conversation with my husband in what feels like an extremely long time, so looks like I am back to typing out my frustrations in an effort to vent.

I am so beyond annoyed that the thing that was supposed to bring the most comfort while he was away has still not happened!  We have yet to be able to talk face to face online, and it is pissing me off!  All the technology out there, and I still can't see him, and he is just sitting in NJ, not over seas, NEW JERSEY!  What is that going to mean when he is over there?  I am going nuts with frustration with this.

I just want to be able to have good conversation with him.  Talking on the phone just is not cutting it.  I can't see him, I can't even hear him most of the time, and I couldn't feel more far away from him!  I am so sick of trying to have a conversation with him and having to repeat myself or have him repeat himself.  And if it isn't that, then we just don't have the time or whatever to talk about anything real.  I feel like it is pointless to tell him about all the little things that don't affect him because he isn't here, so we just talk about nothing and the distance just feels like it is growing bigger and bigger.  And whenever I do talk to him, I am so emotional that I feel like I waste the time he does have to talk to me.

Honestly, I feel like I couldn't be sucking more at this thing.  I feel like I am failing him because I am not strong, I am not sure of my ability to keep things under control, and I couldn't be more sad and miserable.  I feel like I am failing my kids because as much as I try, I feel like I am just so grouchy with them.  I do not want this to affect them in a negative way.  I want to be an example of strength and happiness while their world is shifted.  I just can't seem to plant my feet in a way that I don't topple over easily.

I wish more than anything that I could be okay most of the time with the occasional bad moments, but instead I feel like I am living a continuous bad moment with spots of happiness.  I feel completely in over my head with all of this.  I love being a part of a greater cause, and I couldn't be more proud of what my husband is doing, but here, at home, alone, I am just really really sad.

I miss him.  God I miss him.  That is the thought that is constantly in the back of my mind, over and over, all day every day.  When something good happens, something bad, just sitting doing nothing, it is forever going through my mind.  I just miss him.  Every so often when I slip up and start thinking about the chance that I won't get him back at the end of this, I can't breathe with the pain and weight that puts on me.  Jesus I trust in You.  Jesus I trust in You.  *gulp*  Jesus I trust in You.  But you do realize I need him back, right?

I need to get this month over with so I can finally figure out what I am going to do with myself.  I need a purpose, something that makes me feel alive and like I have a purpose outside of changing diapers and kissing boo boos.  Don't get me wrong, I love that that is my job, but the pain of that being the only thing I have without the person who was supposed to be here living it with me is sometimes too much to bear.

This wasn't supposed to happen to us.  He used to joke about being deployed, and I would just say "No way can you leave, you gave me two babies in two years, you can't leave.  I'd go nuts."  He had a job that was good, and we were supposed to be together, taking on life's challenges as a team.  Now I feel like he has just up and left me.  I feel like I'm just standing on a corner holding our two kids, and all the stresses we used to hold together in my arms and it is weighing me down.

We used to fight about stuff a good bit, and I wasn't always as happy or as grateful as I should have been.  But at the end of the day, we would get into bed, and we would hold each other, and even if we weren't seeing eye to eye, at least we had the security of each other being there.  No matter what, at least he could hold me.  Now, everything still happens, I'm still not as happy as I could be, but at the end of the day, I climb into our bed, and he isn't there.  He can't hold me.  He can't hear that I am crying and take my hand.  I just bury my face and pray for sleep to come in hopes that tomorrow I'll be a little bit stronger.  Somehow I need to find a way to be just a little stronger, and hopefully before too long, I will find a way to do this.

In the mean time.  God I miss him.

Monday, May 23, 2011

Focusing on the silver lining for a day

So today started out really rough for me.  It just was not going well, and I had several melt down moments through out for awhile.  But I finally decided it was time to get out and make it better...and after some work refocusing, I had several things pop out as making the day not so bad, and here they are.

First, I went to go shopping for my military ball dress and the first two dresses I put on fit me like a glove, and I actually felt beautiful in them.  Haven't really had that feeling in quite some time, and it felt amazing.

Next, while trying on all those dresses, at one point, I looked down and realized that I could see my feet.  Standing straight up, I could look down and see my feet.  Now I know how pitiful this sounds, but since Sarah, I have no been able to do this.  The massive stomach I have been fighting has prevented me this little pleasure, and when I realized that I could see those little toes without trying once again, I almost had to cry.  It feels good.

Then, we walked around the mall for three hours.  Two things stood out, first, I wore a pair of flat flip flops and didn't have a bit of arch pain or lower back pain.  I haven't been able to wear plain flip flops to walk in in two years because of pain from my arches.  I guess it was just all the extra weight I was carrying around.  The second thing was my kids were perfect little angels the entire three hours!  We got them involved in looking for dresses for Mommy, and we were able to get them to stay in their stroller, happy, for the whole trip.  I was so proud of them, and so thankful that they gave me that time to just enjoy being out and enjoy being with them!

So then I was able to buy a dress that I loved for the ball, and was lucky enough to find it under budget!  Most of you probably don't understand why that is such a big deal, but trust me, it is.

Then, I text a picture to my DH to see if he likes it, and his response literally made me cry.  He said " look gorgeous in that."  I can't remember the last time he called me gorgeous.  Not in a mean way, I just haven't been able to take his breath away for a couple years now.  That one thing alone would have made my day.

And then, I get home to find that the pictures I ordered to put together photo albums for the kids had come, so when I put them to bed, I got to look through the pictures with them.  Their faces lit up, and Zach flipped through each page talking about each picture.  "Daddy is cuddling with me.  We are playing in the snow!  Daddy and me are riding the train!"  And Sarah just kept turning pages saying in her sweet voice, "My Daddy!"  So precious.

So yeah.  Tonight just seemed like a good time to focus on the things that made me smile in what started out as such a horrible day.  Thanks for humoring me.  :)

Thursday, May 19, 2011

So today I woke up with this overwhelming feeling of sadness and loneliness.  It was really the first time since he left that I have just been sad that he wasn't there when I woke up.  Up until today I have been trying so hard to focus on the task at hand, that I haven't really had time to dwell on him not being here.  Today however, I just keep getting hit with pangs of I miss him.

The biggest thing I miss about him is the appreciation for the work I do on a daily basis...the encouragement and the seeing what I do as mattering.  Living here, I get chastised for trying to get people to be responsible for themselves, I work my butt off cleaning, doing the grocery shopping, cooking dinner almost daily (although apparently my Dad seems to think it isn't that often...), helping out with the driving of kids around, and all of that on top of taking care of my kids, feeding them, bathing them, changing all their diapers and kissing every boo boo.

But I feel like without DH here, I feel like I am working my butt off every day to take care of myself, my kids, and everyone else with little to no support.  I really don't handle not only not getting the positive appreciation but getting the less than encouraging remarks.  I wish more than anything that I was more thick skinned than I am...that the words didn't cut me as deep as they do...but it is just who I am right now.

I am just not sure how well this is going to work out with my need for appreciation...and that isn't exactly the style around here.  And maybe it is just the appreciation from my DH that I am missing.  I don't know.

I just miss him.  A lot.  Much as I love and appreciate my family for taking me in and making the sacrifices to have me and my kids here, I just wish I didn't have to be in this situation.  Just an off day I guess.  Hopefully tomorrow will be better.

Wednesday, May 18, 2011


So today's biggest struggle is the feeling like I am running in circles trying to find the path I am supposed to take, but my hands are tied and I just can't seem to find it.

The problem is this:  I am trying so hard to retrain myself to be more independent this year.  Emotionally, and physically.  I don't have a choice.  He is gone, I am on my own, so it is what it is.  I have to take care of myself because he isn't here to do it.  I feel like in order to do that, I have to retrain myself and figure out a new way to do everything.  My entire adult life has been centered around him and us, so it is all I know.  All I know is having him tell me what to do, and then I do it.  But he isn't here to tell me what to do.  So I have to be okay to just do it.

The problem with that comes in the fact that he still wants me to pass everything by him.  He wants to agree on stuff, and then not ever stray from that decision.  But if we decide on something, and then I am there in the moment, and it turns out that it is something different, I have to make a decision...I can't call and check it with him.  But he doesn't like that.  He doesn't trust me with money or with making decisions with money.  I hate that!  I agreed to give up my house and move in with my Dad so that we wouldn't have to fight about money.  Money wasn't supposed to be an issue as long as I was living with my Dad.  Obviously we didn't see eye to eye on that.  Guess I should have been more clear.

I hate this.  I feel like I am trying so hard to grow.  Trying so hard to learn how to be on my own.  The become stronger and to learn how to be happy enough with myself to not need him to make me happy.  I am trying to be someone that I can respect, and love, and in turn being that person to him.  But I feel like it is impossible for me to do if I have to sit around waiting on him because I am not trusted to make a call on if something is a good idea or not.  How am I supposed to trust myself and let myself grow if he doesn't trust me?  If he always tells me I made the wrong call?  Yes, we can talk about stuff, and agree on stuff...I just wish I could make decisions on my own, and them not be the wrong one every time.  Maybe I'd be better off just telling him that I need to make the call when I'm in the moment?  Then he can't be disappointed that I didn't stick to our agreement?

I just don't know how to do this together but apart thing I guess.  I am really struggling to be apart from him and feeling like I have to be independent with everything because he isn't capable of being there for me, yet still being married and needing to make decisions together.  Are we supposed to decide everything together the way we used to, or is that unrealistic?  Do I need to tell him he needs to trust me and let go unless it is a really big thing, or is he right in wanting to be involved in every little thing?  I really wish I had someone who could give me the answers to all this.  I am in way over my head with new situations, issues, and things I am working on/with, and while I think I know what I want the end result to look like, I have no idea what the path getting there looks like.  I have no idea who is right, who is wrong, and how to work things out.

It really doesn't help that I still feel strange talking to him.  I still feel unsure about what he wants me to be, and how to change and be the person I want to be without completely growing away from him.  It is one thing to change slowly over a period of time with the person there to see you every day and to go through the changes with you so that nothing comes as a shock, but when they are so far away in every sense of the do you keep the relationship strong enough to work when he comes home?  How do I become strong enough to be the new person I want to be when he gets home?  How do I stop myself from falling back into old habits because it is what is comfortable with him there?

Seriously...wish you could hang out in my head these never stops.  So many things constantly rolling around, but never finding a resolution it feels like.  I hate all the disorder it is causing!!!  I need everything filed away neatly!  I feel like I should be able to spend a few hours "cleaning up" and then be all good like it would be in my house...but alas, my stupid brain doesn't work that efficiently.  Meh.