Monday, May 23, 2011

Focusing on the silver lining for a day

So today started out really rough for me.  It just was not going well, and I had several melt down moments through out for awhile.  But I finally decided it was time to get out and make it better...and after some work refocusing, I had several things pop out as making the day not so bad, and here they are.

First, I went to go shopping for my military ball dress and the first two dresses I put on fit me like a glove, and I actually felt beautiful in them.  Haven't really had that feeling in quite some time, and it felt amazing.

Next, while trying on all those dresses, at one point, I looked down and realized that I could see my feet.  Standing straight up, I could look down and see my feet.  Now I know how pitiful this sounds, but since Sarah, I have no been able to do this.  The massive stomach I have been fighting has prevented me this little pleasure, and when I realized that I could see those little toes without trying once again, I almost had to cry.  It feels good.

Then, we walked around the mall for three hours.  Two things stood out, first, I wore a pair of flat flip flops and didn't have a bit of arch pain or lower back pain.  I haven't been able to wear plain flip flops to walk in in two years because of pain from my arches.  I guess it was just all the extra weight I was carrying around.  The second thing was my kids were perfect little angels the entire three hours!  We got them involved in looking for dresses for Mommy, and we were able to get them to stay in their stroller, happy, for the whole trip.  I was so proud of them, and so thankful that they gave me that time to just enjoy being out and enjoy being with them!

So then I was able to buy a dress that I loved for the ball, and was lucky enough to find it under budget!  Most of you probably don't understand why that is such a big deal, but trust me, it is.

Then, I text a picture to my DH to see if he likes it, and his response literally made me cry.  He said " look gorgeous in that."  I can't remember the last time he called me gorgeous.  Not in a mean way, I just haven't been able to take his breath away for a couple years now.  That one thing alone would have made my day.

And then, I get home to find that the pictures I ordered to put together photo albums for the kids had come, so when I put them to bed, I got to look through the pictures with them.  Their faces lit up, and Zach flipped through each page talking about each picture.  "Daddy is cuddling with me.  We are playing in the snow!  Daddy and me are riding the train!"  And Sarah just kept turning pages saying in her sweet voice, "My Daddy!"  So precious.

So yeah.  Tonight just seemed like a good time to focus on the things that made me smile in what started out as such a horrible day.  Thanks for humoring me.  :)

Thursday, May 19, 2011

So today I woke up with this overwhelming feeling of sadness and loneliness.  It was really the first time since he left that I have just been sad that he wasn't there when I woke up.  Up until today I have been trying so hard to focus on the task at hand, that I haven't really had time to dwell on him not being here.  Today however, I just keep getting hit with pangs of I miss him.

The biggest thing I miss about him is the appreciation for the work I do on a daily basis...the encouragement and the seeing what I do as mattering.  Living here, I get chastised for trying to get people to be responsible for themselves, I work my butt off cleaning, doing the grocery shopping, cooking dinner almost daily (although apparently my Dad seems to think it isn't that often...), helping out with the driving of kids around, and all of that on top of taking care of my kids, feeding them, bathing them, changing all their diapers and kissing every boo boo.

But I feel like without DH here, I feel like I am working my butt off every day to take care of myself, my kids, and everyone else with little to no support.  I really don't handle not only not getting the positive appreciation but getting the less than encouraging remarks.  I wish more than anything that I was more thick skinned than I am...that the words didn't cut me as deep as they do...but it is just who I am right now.

I am just not sure how well this is going to work out with my need for appreciation...and that isn't exactly the style around here.  And maybe it is just the appreciation from my DH that I am missing.  I don't know.

I just miss him.  A lot.  Much as I love and appreciate my family for taking me in and making the sacrifices to have me and my kids here, I just wish I didn't have to be in this situation.  Just an off day I guess.  Hopefully tomorrow will be better.

Wednesday, May 18, 2011


So today's biggest struggle is the feeling like I am running in circles trying to find the path I am supposed to take, but my hands are tied and I just can't seem to find it.

The problem is this:  I am trying so hard to retrain myself to be more independent this year.  Emotionally, and physically.  I don't have a choice.  He is gone, I am on my own, so it is what it is.  I have to take care of myself because he isn't here to do it.  I feel like in order to do that, I have to retrain myself and figure out a new way to do everything.  My entire adult life has been centered around him and us, so it is all I know.  All I know is having him tell me what to do, and then I do it.  But he isn't here to tell me what to do.  So I have to be okay to just do it.

The problem with that comes in the fact that he still wants me to pass everything by him.  He wants to agree on stuff, and then not ever stray from that decision.  But if we decide on something, and then I am there in the moment, and it turns out that it is something different, I have to make a decision...I can't call and check it with him.  But he doesn't like that.  He doesn't trust me with money or with making decisions with money.  I hate that!  I agreed to give up my house and move in with my Dad so that we wouldn't have to fight about money.  Money wasn't supposed to be an issue as long as I was living with my Dad.  Obviously we didn't see eye to eye on that.  Guess I should have been more clear.

I hate this.  I feel like I am trying so hard to grow.  Trying so hard to learn how to be on my own.  The become stronger and to learn how to be happy enough with myself to not need him to make me happy.  I am trying to be someone that I can respect, and love, and in turn being that person to him.  But I feel like it is impossible for me to do if I have to sit around waiting on him because I am not trusted to make a call on if something is a good idea or not.  How am I supposed to trust myself and let myself grow if he doesn't trust me?  If he always tells me I made the wrong call?  Yes, we can talk about stuff, and agree on stuff...I just wish I could make decisions on my own, and them not be the wrong one every time.  Maybe I'd be better off just telling him that I need to make the call when I'm in the moment?  Then he can't be disappointed that I didn't stick to our agreement?

I just don't know how to do this together but apart thing I guess.  I am really struggling to be apart from him and feeling like I have to be independent with everything because he isn't capable of being there for me, yet still being married and needing to make decisions together.  Are we supposed to decide everything together the way we used to, or is that unrealistic?  Do I need to tell him he needs to trust me and let go unless it is a really big thing, or is he right in wanting to be involved in every little thing?  I really wish I had someone who could give me the answers to all this.  I am in way over my head with new situations, issues, and things I am working on/with, and while I think I know what I want the end result to look like, I have no idea what the path getting there looks like.  I have no idea who is right, who is wrong, and how to work things out.

It really doesn't help that I still feel strange talking to him.  I still feel unsure about what he wants me to be, and how to change and be the person I want to be without completely growing away from him.  It is one thing to change slowly over a period of time with the person there to see you every day and to go through the changes with you so that nothing comes as a shock, but when they are so far away in every sense of the do you keep the relationship strong enough to work when he comes home?  How do I become strong enough to be the new person I want to be when he gets home?  How do I stop myself from falling back into old habits because it is what is comfortable with him there?

Seriously...wish you could hang out in my head these never stops.  So many things constantly rolling around, but never finding a resolution it feels like.  I hate all the disorder it is causing!!!  I need everything filed away neatly!  I feel like I should be able to spend a few hours "cleaning up" and then be all good like it would be in my house...but alas, my stupid brain doesn't work that efficiently.  Meh.

Monday, May 16, 2011

And so it begins...

The sun rise this morning was the most perfect one I've seen in years.  The birds were singing.  Everyone else was going to work, getting a cup of coffee, or sleeping in.  But my day is not so ordinary, or beautiful.  He asks me if I'm okay.  "yes"  What choice do I have?  I have to be okay.  I'm out of time to not be okay.  I'm out of time to fix anything.

We have been fighting so much lately.  We keep butting heads, and growing more and more apart.  I don't know how to tell the difference in what is a real issue, and what is related to this.  Last night was a doozy.  But we are out of time.  We can't fight about it anymore.  It is time for me to figure out a way to be more self reliant and stop being so dependent.

All I have ever known in my adult life is us.  I have never had to be just me...and the thought of it, scares the hell out of me.  If I'm being completely honest, I think I'm afraid that when I focus on me, I won't like what I find.  Or I won't be good enough.  I don't think I'll be able to have what it takes to sustain make myself happy.  To find meaning in every day things when they are just for me...not for us.  To make memories that he isn't a part of.  I hate the thought of that.  Having a year's worth of memories built up that he isn't in...that he won't remember or be able to talk about with me.

So now that he is gone, and I am alone, my heart is most heavy because I'm not sure where we are going from here.  I mean, I know we are both dedicated to staying together no matter what...fighting it out every time.  I just don't know how we are going to get better at this.  How we can stop fighting and hurting each other instead of building each other up.  I want so badly to feel understood, and to feel confident in my ability to be what makes him happy.  I know that marriage is never easy, and is always work, I just wish the growing pains didn't cut so deep.

Today's challenge, just make it through the day so I can get some sleep.  Three and a half hours is gonna run out real quick.  I'll think about tomorrow, tomorrow.

Sunday, May 15, 2011

Another step closer

Today the kids and I are sitting in a hotel room waiting for Chris to get back from drill so we can spend our last afternoon together before he leaves for his first leg of pre-deployment training in NJ.  They have no idea that when we say "we are going home tomorrow" we don't mean all of us.  They have no idea that the next time "Daddy has to go to work" it will be for nearly a month.  They have no idea how long a month do I explain it to them?  How do I explain to two toddlers that Daddy is going to be at work for that long?  How do I keep their relationship with him alive when he isn't there to play with them?

This being our first deployment, I am so lost on how to handle all the emotions and feelings I am trying to deal with.  I can't tell the difference between regular stress, regular arguments, and deployment related stuff.  When I suddenly can't seem to pick up heart up off the floor for no real reason, is it because I am just being an emotional baby about something he said, or is it because I know he is about to be gone and every tiny thing feels like a giant bolder being dropped in my fragile heart?  How do I express the fact that I feel like I am losing him, but at the same time, can't wait for him to just be gone already? 

I mean, I have been sitting around trying to adjust to the idea of him being gone for nearly a year, and haven't been able to just have it happen!  It is like when you were a kid and you got caught doing something you shouldn't.  Your parents would say "Go to your room, I'll deal with you later."  That hour or hours you spend in your room waiting for the inevitable punishment feels like years.  You imagine the worst, stress about how it is going to ruin your life, and wish with everything you have, that they would just come and give you your sentence so you can deal with it!  This waiting period feels a lot like that.  I was told I would be losing him this year.  Then I had to wait for months...imagining the worst, trying to figure out how I would handle the change...feeling like it was just too huge for me to handle.  I guess I just feel like I need to have it come so I can adjust and deal with it already.  It is time to be done not knowing what is coming and how I will handle it.

The biggest problem is trying to keep myself here with him while he is still here.  I am trying to still be connected to him and not make him feel like I am kicking him out the door, but still work on distancing myself enough so that when he does leave, I'm not left standing there with my heart not having any idea how to take care of it without him.  It is the hardest balancing act I have ever tried to do.

I feel guilty for wishing he would leave.  I feel sad that I am having so much trouble connecting when we have so little time left together.  I feel angry with myself for not knowing how to handle this better.  I feel lost on how to help my kids get through this.  I feel in over my head in knowing how to have a relationship with a soldier who is so far away and more than anything just needs my support, but I don't know how to give without wanting it all in return.  I feel afraid of what it will do to us if I don't get it together sooner rather than later.  I feel sad that we have to go through this at all, but I also feel proud to be able to serve my country and to have a cause that means so much.

It is a roller coaster.  I wish I had someone to help me understand it and make sense of all the emotions I can't just file neatly away where they should be so I can manage them all the way I would my home.  I hate things not being in order.  I hate having lose ends I can't neaten up.

I guess it is time for me to spend some time out of my comfort zone.  I could use some growing...I just wish it didn't have to hurt so much.