So in all my reading on deployment...how to prepare, how to survive, etc, I have read a lot about how there are deployment phases everyone goes through. Pre-deployment, deployment, return etc. Each phase has a set of emotions that goes with it that are "normal" and to be expected from everyone. Okay, sounds reasonable enough. I'd just like to take a moment to discuss what phase I am in right now to get it off my chest if I may.
Right now, I am pissed. Really, that is the best way to describe it. Aside from the fact that we haven't actually gotten into a routine of any kind because of my recent surgery and then the kids and I will be traveling for a week + to go visit Chris next week, which is bugging the crap out of me, (the not having been able to settle yet, NOT the getting to see him again part) when it comes to where I am in the separation and how I'm feeling about it, I'm just really pissed.
I am pissed off by the smallest stupidest things, as well as some larger ones that I maybe feel somewhat justified in being pissed at.
The small things are things like, did I enjoy my day...well, it had some enjoyable moments in it, but you weren't there for any of it and you won't be home tonight, so no, it wasn't so good. And that pisses me off. I feel so annoyed with the fact that the person I planned to share my life with is gone and in his place, I am right back where I started, in my parents basement! Not only do I feel like I am not moving forward with my life the way we had always planned, I feel like I am taking a step backwards!
Don't get me wrong, the fact that my family is here to support me and help with my kids is an enormous blessing, really, it is huge. But it just really makes me so angry when I think about all the things that I should be doing with my husband, but instead am doing them alone or with someone else.
It pisses me off to think about all the memories I will be making without him in them. Like, we used to argue about certain movies and whether we had seen them together or not. It was a big deal if one of us watched a movie we wanted to see without the other one. Now, I have an entire year of watching movies without him. There will be a whole year of movies that he not only will not have seen but may not have even heard about!
We have never been the best conversationalists, we didn't talk all that much. But at least even if we weren't talking, we could be in the same room, connecting on SOME level. Now, we still don't talk much, but there is nothing there to connect us. That makes me so crazy. It makes me pissed to think of all the time we are losing as a couple. We should be together. We should be making memories. He should be in our family pictures as we do things and go places. But he won't be. For a year, there will be no pictures of him in our folders.
That really bugs me. The pictures thing. Not having new pictures now and again just makes me feel like the person is so far away. One of the things that hurts most about Mom. No new pictures. Every time I go back to look at pictures of her, it just feel further and further away as I see how young everyone was. Now it will be that way with Chris for a year. No pictures of him with the kids. They will be completely different people by the time he gets to take a picture with them. Not that he really cares about that, but man does it hit me in a hard place.
I so want to be able to enjoy life. I want to have a life full of joy and memories just like any other year would be, but I can't seem to escape this weight of pain I have in my chest. Sometimes I feel like I will find the strength to overcome and take it on, but mostly I just am mad that I have to. If I'm being totally honest. Which I am.
God I hope this year does good things for our relationship, and for me personally. I am terrified of the possibilities though. I hate being a pessimist. I used to call myself a realist, but lets just cut to the chase, I can't help but navigate to the worst case possibility. And a year of being apart is a lot of time spent trusting someone completely. I am literally putting my heart in a box and sending it across the world hoping that it doesn't get betrayed, neglected, crushed, or completely shattered. All are very real possibilities.
Not that I don't trust him. I do. With all my heart. I trust that he loves me more than he ever has before and is in a better place than ever before as a person, and so as far as that goes, we are good. I just don't trust easily. If I can't see it, it is extremely hard for me to believe it. It takes all I have to trust a person. Especially the person holding my heart.
So I guess the bottom line is this. I have yet to go into survival mode yet. I am still stuck in the anger/resentment phase. And it sucks. Bad. I hate feeling angry. But I am doing my best to trust that this too will pass, and a new phase will come, and with it, a new ability to see life more clearly.
In the mean time, I miss him.
Wednesday, July 13, 2011
Tuesday, July 5, 2011
Warning, this post contains a lot of negativity. Continue at your own discretion.
So I haven't been able to have a real conversation with my husband in what feels like an extremely long time, so looks like I am back to typing out my frustrations in an effort to vent.
I am so beyond annoyed that the thing that was supposed to bring the most comfort while he was away has still not happened! We have yet to be able to talk face to face online, and it is pissing me off! All the technology out there, and I still can't see him, and he is just sitting in NJ, not over seas, NEW JERSEY! What is that going to mean when he is over there? I am going nuts with frustration with this.
I just want to be able to have good conversation with him. Talking on the phone just is not cutting it. I can't see him, I can't even hear him most of the time, and I couldn't feel more far away from him! I am so sick of trying to have a conversation with him and having to repeat myself or have him repeat himself. And if it isn't that, then we just don't have the time or whatever to talk about anything real. I feel like it is pointless to tell him about all the little things that don't affect him because he isn't here, so we just talk about nothing and the distance just feels like it is growing bigger and bigger. And whenever I do talk to him, I am so emotional that I feel like I waste the time he does have to talk to me.
Honestly, I feel like I couldn't be sucking more at this thing. I feel like I am failing him because I am not strong, I am not sure of my ability to keep things under control, and I couldn't be more sad and miserable. I feel like I am failing my kids because as much as I try, I feel like I am just so grouchy with them. I do not want this to affect them in a negative way. I want to be an example of strength and happiness while their world is shifted. I just can't seem to plant my feet in a way that I don't topple over easily.
I wish more than anything that I could be okay most of the time with the occasional bad moments, but instead I feel like I am living a continuous bad moment with spots of happiness. I feel completely in over my head with all of this. I love being a part of a greater cause, and I couldn't be more proud of what my husband is doing, but here, at home, alone, I am just really really sad.
I miss him. God I miss him. That is the thought that is constantly in the back of my mind, over and over, all day every day. When something good happens, something bad, just sitting doing nothing, it is forever going through my mind. I just miss him. Every so often when I slip up and start thinking about the chance that I won't get him back at the end of this, I can't breathe with the pain and weight that puts on me. Jesus I trust in You. Jesus I trust in You. *gulp* Jesus I trust in You. But you do realize I need him back, right?
I need to get this month over with so I can finally figure out what I am going to do with myself. I need a purpose, something that makes me feel alive and like I have a purpose outside of changing diapers and kissing boo boos. Don't get me wrong, I love that that is my job, but the pain of that being the only thing I have without the person who was supposed to be here living it with me is sometimes too much to bear.
This wasn't supposed to happen to us. He used to joke about being deployed, and I would just say "No way can you leave, you gave me two babies in two years, you can't leave. I'd go nuts." He had a job that was good, and we were supposed to be together, taking on life's challenges as a team. Now I feel like he has just up and left me. I feel like I'm just standing on a corner holding our two kids, and all the stresses we used to hold together in my arms and it is weighing me down.
We used to fight about stuff a good bit, and I wasn't always as happy or as grateful as I should have been. But at the end of the day, we would get into bed, and we would hold each other, and even if we weren't seeing eye to eye, at least we had the security of each other being there. No matter what, at least he could hold me. Now, everything still happens, I'm still not as happy as I could be, but at the end of the day, I climb into our bed, and he isn't there. He can't hold me. He can't hear that I am crying and take my hand. I just bury my face and pray for sleep to come in hopes that tomorrow I'll be a little bit stronger. Somehow I need to find a way to be just a little stronger, and hopefully before too long, I will find a way to do this.
In the mean time. God I miss him.
I am so beyond annoyed that the thing that was supposed to bring the most comfort while he was away has still not happened! We have yet to be able to talk face to face online, and it is pissing me off! All the technology out there, and I still can't see him, and he is just sitting in NJ, not over seas, NEW JERSEY! What is that going to mean when he is over there? I am going nuts with frustration with this.
I just want to be able to have good conversation with him. Talking on the phone just is not cutting it. I can't see him, I can't even hear him most of the time, and I couldn't feel more far away from him! I am so sick of trying to have a conversation with him and having to repeat myself or have him repeat himself. And if it isn't that, then we just don't have the time or whatever to talk about anything real. I feel like it is pointless to tell him about all the little things that don't affect him because he isn't here, so we just talk about nothing and the distance just feels like it is growing bigger and bigger. And whenever I do talk to him, I am so emotional that I feel like I waste the time he does have to talk to me.
Honestly, I feel like I couldn't be sucking more at this thing. I feel like I am failing him because I am not strong, I am not sure of my ability to keep things under control, and I couldn't be more sad and miserable. I feel like I am failing my kids because as much as I try, I feel like I am just so grouchy with them. I do not want this to affect them in a negative way. I want to be an example of strength and happiness while their world is shifted. I just can't seem to plant my feet in a way that I don't topple over easily.
I wish more than anything that I could be okay most of the time with the occasional bad moments, but instead I feel like I am living a continuous bad moment with spots of happiness. I feel completely in over my head with all of this. I love being a part of a greater cause, and I couldn't be more proud of what my husband is doing, but here, at home, alone, I am just really really sad.
I miss him. God I miss him. That is the thought that is constantly in the back of my mind, over and over, all day every day. When something good happens, something bad, just sitting doing nothing, it is forever going through my mind. I just miss him. Every so often when I slip up and start thinking about the chance that I won't get him back at the end of this, I can't breathe with the pain and weight that puts on me. Jesus I trust in You. Jesus I trust in You. *gulp* Jesus I trust in You. But you do realize I need him back, right?
I need to get this month over with so I can finally figure out what I am going to do with myself. I need a purpose, something that makes me feel alive and like I have a purpose outside of changing diapers and kissing boo boos. Don't get me wrong, I love that that is my job, but the pain of that being the only thing I have without the person who was supposed to be here living it with me is sometimes too much to bear.
This wasn't supposed to happen to us. He used to joke about being deployed, and I would just say "No way can you leave, you gave me two babies in two years, you can't leave. I'd go nuts." He had a job that was good, and we were supposed to be together, taking on life's challenges as a team. Now I feel like he has just up and left me. I feel like I'm just standing on a corner holding our two kids, and all the stresses we used to hold together in my arms and it is weighing me down.
We used to fight about stuff a good bit, and I wasn't always as happy or as grateful as I should have been. But at the end of the day, we would get into bed, and we would hold each other, and even if we weren't seeing eye to eye, at least we had the security of each other being there. No matter what, at least he could hold me. Now, everything still happens, I'm still not as happy as I could be, but at the end of the day, I climb into our bed, and he isn't there. He can't hold me. He can't hear that I am crying and take my hand. I just bury my face and pray for sleep to come in hopes that tomorrow I'll be a little bit stronger. Somehow I need to find a way to be just a little stronger, and hopefully before too long, I will find a way to do this.
In the mean time. God I miss him.
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