So I haven't been able to have a real conversation with my husband in what feels like an extremely long time, so looks like I am back to typing out my frustrations in an effort to vent.
I am so beyond annoyed that the thing that was supposed to bring the most comfort while he was away has still not happened! We have yet to be able to talk face to face online, and it is pissing me off! All the technology out there, and I still can't see him, and he is just sitting in NJ, not over seas, NEW JERSEY! What is that going to mean when he is over there? I am going nuts with frustration with this.
I just want to be able to have good conversation with him. Talking on the phone just is not cutting it. I can't see him, I can't even hear him most of the time, and I couldn't feel more far away from him! I am so sick of trying to have a conversation with him and having to repeat myself or have him repeat himself. And if it isn't that, then we just don't have the time or whatever to talk about anything real. I feel like it is pointless to tell him about all the little things that don't affect him because he isn't here, so we just talk about nothing and the distance just feels like it is growing bigger and bigger. And whenever I do talk to him, I am so emotional that I feel like I waste the time he does have to talk to me.
Honestly, I feel like I couldn't be sucking more at this thing. I feel like I am failing him because I am not strong, I am not sure of my ability to keep things under control, and I couldn't be more sad and miserable. I feel like I am failing my kids because as much as I try, I feel like I am just so grouchy with them. I do not want this to affect them in a negative way. I want to be an example of strength and happiness while their world is shifted. I just can't seem to plant my feet in a way that I don't topple over easily.
I wish more than anything that I could be okay most of the time with the occasional bad moments, but instead I feel like I am living a continuous bad moment with spots of happiness. I feel completely in over my head with all of this. I love being a part of a greater cause, and I couldn't be more proud of what my husband is doing, but here, at home, alone, I am just really really sad.
I miss him. God I miss him. That is the thought that is constantly in the back of my mind, over and over, all day every day. When something good happens, something bad, just sitting doing nothing, it is forever going through my mind. I just miss him. Every so often when I slip up and start thinking about the chance that I won't get him back at the end of this, I can't breathe with the pain and weight that puts on me. Jesus I trust in You. Jesus I trust in You. *gulp* Jesus I trust in You. But you do realize I need him back, right?
I need to get this month over with so I can finally figure out what I am going to do with myself. I need a purpose, something that makes me feel alive and like I have a purpose outside of changing diapers and kissing boo boos. Don't get me wrong, I love that that is my job, but the pain of that being the only thing I have without the person who was supposed to be here living it with me is sometimes too much to bear.
This wasn't supposed to happen to us. He used to joke about being deployed, and I would just say "No way can you leave, you gave me two babies in two years, you can't leave. I'd go nuts." He had a job that was good, and we were supposed to be together, taking on life's challenges as a team. Now I feel like he has just up and left me. I feel like I'm just standing on a corner holding our two kids, and all the stresses we used to hold together in my arms and it is weighing me down.
We used to fight about stuff a good bit, and I wasn't always as happy or as grateful as I should have been. But at the end of the day, we would get into bed, and we would hold each other, and even if we weren't seeing eye to eye, at least we had the security of each other being there. No matter what, at least he could hold me. Now, everything still happens, I'm still not as happy as I could be, but at the end of the day, I climb into our bed, and he isn't there. He can't hold me. He can't hear that I am crying and take my hand. I just bury my face and pray for sleep to come in hopes that tomorrow I'll be a little bit stronger. Somehow I need to find a way to be just a little stronger, and hopefully before too long, I will find a way to do this.
In the mean time. God I miss him.