Wednesday, May 18, 2011


So today's biggest struggle is the feeling like I am running in circles trying to find the path I am supposed to take, but my hands are tied and I just can't seem to find it.

The problem is this:  I am trying so hard to retrain myself to be more independent this year.  Emotionally, and physically.  I don't have a choice.  He is gone, I am on my own, so it is what it is.  I have to take care of myself because he isn't here to do it.  I feel like in order to do that, I have to retrain myself and figure out a new way to do everything.  My entire adult life has been centered around him and us, so it is all I know.  All I know is having him tell me what to do, and then I do it.  But he isn't here to tell me what to do.  So I have to be okay to just do it.

The problem with that comes in the fact that he still wants me to pass everything by him.  He wants to agree on stuff, and then not ever stray from that decision.  But if we decide on something, and then I am there in the moment, and it turns out that it is something different, I have to make a decision...I can't call and check it with him.  But he doesn't like that.  He doesn't trust me with money or with making decisions with money.  I hate that!  I agreed to give up my house and move in with my Dad so that we wouldn't have to fight about money.  Money wasn't supposed to be an issue as long as I was living with my Dad.  Obviously we didn't see eye to eye on that.  Guess I should have been more clear.

I hate this.  I feel like I am trying so hard to grow.  Trying so hard to learn how to be on my own.  The become stronger and to learn how to be happy enough with myself to not need him to make me happy.  I am trying to be someone that I can respect, and love, and in turn being that person to him.  But I feel like it is impossible for me to do if I have to sit around waiting on him because I am not trusted to make a call on if something is a good idea or not.  How am I supposed to trust myself and let myself grow if he doesn't trust me?  If he always tells me I made the wrong call?  Yes, we can talk about stuff, and agree on stuff...I just wish I could make decisions on my own, and them not be the wrong one every time.  Maybe I'd be better off just telling him that I need to make the call when I'm in the moment?  Then he can't be disappointed that I didn't stick to our agreement?

I just don't know how to do this together but apart thing I guess.  I am really struggling to be apart from him and feeling like I have to be independent with everything because he isn't capable of being there for me, yet still being married and needing to make decisions together.  Are we supposed to decide everything together the way we used to, or is that unrealistic?  Do I need to tell him he needs to trust me and let go unless it is a really big thing, or is he right in wanting to be involved in every little thing?  I really wish I had someone who could give me the answers to all this.  I am in way over my head with new situations, issues, and things I am working on/with, and while I think I know what I want the end result to look like, I have no idea what the path getting there looks like.  I have no idea who is right, who is wrong, and how to work things out.

It really doesn't help that I still feel strange talking to him.  I still feel unsure about what he wants me to be, and how to change and be the person I want to be without completely growing away from him.  It is one thing to change slowly over a period of time with the person there to see you every day and to go through the changes with you so that nothing comes as a shock, but when they are so far away in every sense of the do you keep the relationship strong enough to work when he comes home?  How do I become strong enough to be the new person I want to be when he gets home?  How do I stop myself from falling back into old habits because it is what is comfortable with him there?

Seriously...wish you could hang out in my head these never stops.  So many things constantly rolling around, but never finding a resolution it feels like.  I hate all the disorder it is causing!!!  I need everything filed away neatly!  I feel like I should be able to spend a few hours "cleaning up" and then be all good like it would be in my house...but alas, my stupid brain doesn't work that efficiently.  Meh.

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