Thursday, May 19, 2011

So today I woke up with this overwhelming feeling of sadness and loneliness.  It was really the first time since he left that I have just been sad that he wasn't there when I woke up.  Up until today I have been trying so hard to focus on the task at hand, that I haven't really had time to dwell on him not being here.  Today however, I just keep getting hit with pangs of I miss him.

The biggest thing I miss about him is the appreciation for the work I do on a daily basis...the encouragement and the seeing what I do as mattering.  Living here, I get chastised for trying to get people to be responsible for themselves, I work my butt off cleaning, doing the grocery shopping, cooking dinner almost daily (although apparently my Dad seems to think it isn't that often...), helping out with the driving of kids around, and all of that on top of taking care of my kids, feeding them, bathing them, changing all their diapers and kissing every boo boo.

But I feel like without DH here, I feel like I am working my butt off every day to take care of myself, my kids, and everyone else with little to no support.  I really don't handle not only not getting the positive appreciation but getting the less than encouraging remarks.  I wish more than anything that I was more thick skinned than I am...that the words didn't cut me as deep as they do...but it is just who I am right now.

I am just not sure how well this is going to work out with my need for appreciation...and that isn't exactly the style around here.  And maybe it is just the appreciation from my DH that I am missing.  I don't know.

I just miss him.  A lot.  Much as I love and appreciate my family for taking me in and making the sacrifices to have me and my kids here, I just wish I didn't have to be in this situation.  Just an off day I guess.  Hopefully tomorrow will be better.

1 comment:

  1. Certain things are tough when you move back in with family. Sometimes its all a learning/adjustment period for everyone involved till you get used to everyone's needs. Sometimes things never change. That's when you learn to just live around it. I know I'm fighting a constant battle with how involved do I want to be? No one seems to think anything anyone does is helpful. But if you try to say, look, I gave up doing laundry today so I could help you they tell you to just stay out of it and worry about your own life. I don't really have good advice on how to deal with your family. I could never move back in with them. I actually think I could move in with Brian's parents before my own.

    I hope it gets better for you. For now, go hug a pillow (maybe put one of Chris' shirts on it) and don't be afraid to lock yourself in your room and cry. Too often we try to bottle up and sometimes if you just let it out it becomes much smaller.