The sun rise this morning was the most perfect one I've seen in years. The birds were singing. Everyone else was going to work, getting a cup of coffee, or sleeping in. But my day is not so ordinary, or beautiful. He asks me if I'm okay. "yes" What choice do I have? I have to be okay. I'm out of time to not be okay. I'm out of time to fix anything.
We have been fighting so much lately. We keep butting heads, and growing more and more apart. I don't know how to tell the difference in what is a real issue, and what is related to this. Last night was a doozy. But we are out of time. We can't fight about it anymore. It is time for me to figure out a way to be more self reliant and stop being so dependent.
All I have ever known in my adult life is us. I have never had to be just me...and the thought of it, scares the hell out of me. If I'm being completely honest, I think I'm afraid that when I focus on me, I won't like what I find. Or I won't be good enough...able enough. I don't think I'll be able to have what it takes to sustain myself...to make myself happy. To find meaning in every day things when they are just for me...not for us. To make memories that he isn't a part of. I hate the thought of that. Having a year's worth of memories built up that he isn't in...that he won't remember or be able to talk about with me.
So now that he is gone, and I am alone, my heart is most heavy because I'm not sure where we are going from here. I mean, I know we are both dedicated to staying together no matter what...fighting it out every time. I just don't know how we are going to get better at this. How we can stop fighting and hurting each other instead of building each other up. I want so badly to feel understood, and to feel confident in my ability to be what makes him happy. I know that marriage is never easy, and is always work, I just wish the growing pains didn't cut so deep.
Today's challenge, just make it through the day so I can get some sleep. Three and a half hours is gonna run out real quick. I'll think about tomorrow, tomorrow.